SUBJ: Natural Selection At Work A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record store, waving their revolvers in the air. One yelled "NOBODY MOVES!!" His partner moved, so ... he shot him. "I [was] a little nervous," he was quoted as saying. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Natural Selection, Take Two At a local mom-and-pop convenience store in Las Vegas, a drunk felon-type walked in and started waving a gun. For quite some time he terrorized the elderly owner who was standing behind the counter. While he was so involved, a woman who had been playing slots slipped out of the store, walked to her car and called 911 to report the incident. While she was still on the phone, the police (five cars) came screeching up. By this time our would-be Jesse James had robbed the old man and was walking toward his car. The gun was still in full view, by the way. The police took cover behind a car, drew their weapons, and ordered the felon to stop. He did not look at them (apparently with the idea that if he didn't acknowledge them, they'd go away) and continued on toward his car. When he got to his car, he discovered an unfortunate thing. His car was running, his lights were on, his doors were locked, and his keys were in the ignition. He decided at that time that he'd just mosey away from the scene. The cops were still yelling at him to stop and drop the gun, by the way. He stopped in front of a solid concrete wall (big mistake) and fired two shots in the general direction of the officers. Five of the six officers emptied their guns into our crook. One officer did not, because he had an elk hunting trip to Idaho for which he had already paid, and knew that if he fired his gun, he'd be on administrative leave. (That meant that he would not be allowed to leave the area.) The crook's family failed in their attempt to sue the police, by the way. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: "Doesn't Run With Scissors" I used to work in a bank while going to college, and the head teller, a sweet grandmother type, related this little tale: One day a would-be robber walked up to her window and passed a note demanding all her money. She handed it back to him and stated that he would have to get a bank officer's approval first. Bright light that he was, he walked over to the service desk and proceeded to wait on line. Meanwhile, she picked up the phone and called the police station across the street to report the crime. He was still waiting when they arrested him. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: How NOT To Rob A Bank -- The Adventure Continues Excerpted from The Washington Post, June 4, 1997, page B03; story by Brooke A. Masters, Washington Post staff writer So you want to rob a bank. Here's how not to do it: Don't walk barefaced into the bank. Don't rob a bank at the same U.S. Army post where you work. And above all, don't go back to the same bank, talk to the same teller and try to deposit the same bills into your own account. Daniel Christian Bowden, a 20-year-old military policeman at Fort Belvoir, stands accused of ignoring all those rules. He was arrested at the Fort Belvoir Federal Credit Union on Monday afternoon after a teller there thought she recognized him as the man who had stolen $4,759 at her window May 21, according to an FBI affidavit filed yesterday in federal court in Alexandria. The teller who had been robbed motioned Bowden over to her window, according to the affidavit and credit union officials. "She felt if she could hear him speak and look into his eyes, she could identify him," said Patty Kimmel, credit union chief executive officer. Bowden said he wanted to wire $2,900 to his home state of Texas, and he pushed a pile of money over the counter for deposit in his account, the affidavit said. The teller then took the money into the back room and began comparing the serial numbers with those of bills taken 12 days earlier. The first two $5 bills matched, and the credit union called the military police, the affidavit said. When the Fort Belvoir MPs arrived, they were in for a shock. Bowden, a private, is one of their own and has had FBI training on handling bank robberies, law enforcement officials said. [Editor's Note: Apparently, they didn't cover the "how to COMMIT bank robberies" section in sufficient detail for this guy. ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Perfect Heist: Quick, Clean, No Paperwork or Drawn-Out Trial Excerpted from The Seattle Times, February 4, 1990 On February 3, 1990, David Zaback, 33 -- a Renton (Seattle area) man -- tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice: 1.The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop; 2.The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places; 3.To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County Police patrol car parked at the front door; 4.An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. The officer was Timothy Lally, 49, an 18-year veteran of the force. The clerk was Danny Morris. [Editor's Note: Decorate those men! ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Not Quite Clear on the Concept Excerpted from the Daily Mirror (UK), July 17, 1997 A young man decided to blackmail a well-known supermarket chain by threatening to contaminate the foods on sale there. He sent a note demanding 30,000 pounds to be paid into his bank account and provided, (just to make sure that they got the right amount into the right account) his bank account number. Not surprisingly he was soon caught and convicted. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Perils of Illiteracy A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Perils of Sheer Stupidity Excerpted from The Davis (CA) Enterprise, Aug 3, 1997 A Davis man who allegedly stole another man's vehicle was arrested Friday when he went to the car owner's house and demanded his personal items from the car. David Joseph Carrozzo, 19, allegedly stole a 1986 Honda Civic on July 18 from the Amtrak parking lot, 840 Second St. The owner reported it missing the next day, and on July 20, a Davis police officer found it at West Manor Park. A teenage boy nearby admitted to knowing who had stolen the car, but would not reveal the name, so the officer returned the car to the owner. [Editor's Note: Carol adds, "In Davis, the town where snoring too loudly can get you a citation for violating the noise ordinance, the police have to let you go if you still won't talk after they say 'pretty please with sugar on it.'" These guys apparently need to spend more time with the LAPD. ] Then, on Friday, Carrozzo appeared at the owner's house demanding his property back. Instead, the owner called police, who arrested Carrozzo on suspicion of stealing the car. He was lodged at Yolo County Jail. The teenager was also arrested, but police released him to his father.